Radioactive

by

Lenny Levine

          Boldly exercising our sacred freedom of speech throughout the length, width, and breadth of this great country, the PureAmerica Network is on the air. Here, from our studios in the nation’s capital, is your host, Brad Forrester.

Thank you, Bill, and a good morning to all true Americans, and you know who you are. I also extend a magnanimous “good morning” to all false Americans, and you know who you are as well. One of you, in particular, whom I hope is listening, is Brian Martz.

Yes, I’m talking about the left-wing multizillionaire Brian Martz, who, in his supreme arrogance, believes his money can muzzle the truth. As has been widely reported, both in the free press and the liberal media, he and his boundless ego have purchased the radio conglomerate that owns our fine network.

This diabolical deal was arranged several weeks ago, but so far, we have not heard “peep one” from Mr. Martz. But now, the time is here. On this day, a date that will live in infamy, if I may quote our first Communist president, FDR, his new ownership begins.

Where are you, Brian, ol’ buddy? Where are all those pinko pink slips we’ve been expecting? I figured you’d be like others of your yellow political stripe and not have the guts to tell us to our faces, but I never thought you lacked even the rudimentary cojones to fire us from your safe sanctuary.

Are you more of a wimp than we think? What’s going on, Brian?

Well, friends and neighbors, let me assure you that whatever’s going on will not succeed. The voices of freedom will not be stilled by some twerpy software mogul, no matter how much money he has. You may not hear us much longer at our usual spot on your radio dial, but I promise you, loud and clear: YOU WILL HEAR US!

No matter how much the espousers of liberal madness work to keep us down, YOU WILL HEAR US!

And even more important, we will hear you, which is what this great nation is about. So let’s start off today with Madge from Davenport, Iowa. Hi there, Madge, what’s on your mind?

Hi, Brad, I just wanted to say how horrible I feel about the liberal media trying to silence the truth.

Thank you, Madge, for your support.

And I want to comment on this global warming nonsense. First of all, I’m looking out my window right now. It’s twelve degrees, and there’s a foot of snow out there. If that doesn’t prove it’s a hoax, I don’t know what does. But even worse, Brad, they’re saying that it’s caused by oil fumes? Give me a break! They’re trying to destroy the good people who supply our nation’s life blood, our petroleum industry. What do you think, Brad?

Right on the button, Madge. Everyone knows these so-called “scientists” are all in the tree huggers’ pockets. I’m proud to say I still drive a Hummer. It’s a wonderful vehicle. If it happens to use a lot of gas, that’s my business. What do they want me to put in the tank, wind?

Ha, ha, that’s a good one, Brad.

Well, thank you for calling, Madge, and keep that furnace burnin’. We’ll be back after this.

(Trouble getting a mortgage? Call Waring Lenders, where people understand…)

How’s the board looking, Bill?

It’s lightin’ up like Christmas Eve, Brad; busiest ever. Lots of supporters weighing in.

Good. Give me a couple more, and then try to find an asshole in there that I can bury.

Wouldn’t be any fun otherwise. Okay, we’re coming out of the break. And…go!

We have Frank on the line, from Cody, Wyoming, a great state that blue states like Tax-achusetts, would do well to emulate. Howdy do, Frank.

Hi there, Brad. I’ve been a listener of yours for over a decade, and I hope to be listening for several more. I won’t even go into the hatred I feel for nerds like Brian Martz, because it’s not worth the time. What I wanted to talk about is so-called “gun control.” How do these people have the gall to claim that the Constitution doesn’t say what it plainly does, in black and white. Second Amendment: End of discussion.

Glad you brought that up, Frank. Let’s take a look at the Second Amendment. It says, “A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state…” Let’s pause right there. Militias, according to the Constitution, are not only legal but necessary. I say the more militias the better, but let’s go on. “… the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

What does that mean? Just what it says. If I happen to need an assault weapon or two, or five hundred, it’s my right. Or if I want to acquire ordnance (I’m talking grenades, howitzers, tanks, bunker busters, whatever I can afford to buy and maintain), I have the right to do that too. The Constitution does not require me to submit to background checks and other invasions of my privacy or to wait for a period of time while the government noses into my personal affairs.

I won’t reveal how many guns I own, because it’s nobody’s business, but I’ll tell you this: They’re all fully loaded.

And why? Because there’s nothing more dangerous than an unloaded gun. When people think guns are unloaded, that’s when accidents occur. If my wife, my seven-year-old daughter, or my four-year-old son should happen to find one in our home, they’re well aware of that fact.

Brad, I couldn’t have said it any better. God bless you.

Thank you, Frank, and God bless you too. We have Sara from Petersburg, Virginia, on the line. Hi, Sara.

Hi, Brad, I just wanna say that YOU ROCK!

All right! Nothing like youthful enthusiasm. How old are you, Sara, if I may ask?

I’m seventeen, and even though I have to use Brian Martz’s software, I can’t stand his political views. I’m calling because I’m afraid our country may be put under Sharia law.

There’s always that danger, but why, in particular, do you think it’ll happen?

’Cause everyone knows Obama’s a Muslim, just look at his name! I mean he denied it, but he’s never disproved it. And he can just make these executive proclamations, so…you know…”

I hear you, Sara. Six years into his dictatorship, and we still don’t know who this guy really is. Maybe he should be the president of Kenya.

Brad, you are, like, sooo on the money!

It’s where I try to be, Sara. You take care, now, and we’ll be back with more, right after this.

(Erectile dysfunction? Don’t come up short. Ask your doctor about Stifcoxin…)

Man, oh man, Brad! You’re not gonna believe this!

Jesus, Bill, sotto the voce, will ya? You almost blew my goddamn headphones off.

You asked for an asshole? I got one for you.

Fine, you want a Medal of Freedom? I can get one for you cheap.

No joke, man. I have Brian Martz himself on the phone.

Yeah, right. Did you put the pope on hold?

I’m telling you it’s for real; I’d stake my reputation on it. He gave me a number to call back, and it checks out. It’s really him.

Wow. Okay, give me a minute to set it up after we come out of the break, and then patch him through. Oh, boy. William, my friend, I’ve been waiting my whole life for this.

Give ’im hell, Brad. All right, we’re almost there. And…go!

Friends and neighbors, we have a rare treat for you. My able producer Bill Henry informs me that the snake has crawled out of his hole. Brian Martz has decided to show himself. We have him on the phone right now, and unless, like other snakes, he’s got no ears, he’s about to receive an earful. Put him on, Bill.

How are you, Brian? You don’t mind if I call you Brian, do you?

Not at all. Do you mind if I call you Mr. Forrester?

Well, my friends call me Brad. But since you’re no friend of mine, Mr. Forrester would be more than appropriate.

Good. Before we go any further, I’d like to commend you on your show today. I’m really enjoying it.

Thank you, Brian, not for the compliment, which was obviously sarcastic, but for showing our listeners how insincere you are.

No, no, Mr. Forrester, I meant it sincerely. I heard your opening monologue, when you said you thought this show and the others on the network are about to be canceled. I wanted to assure you and your listeners that canceling you is the last thing I want to do.

Yah! And I guess you also want to assure us that you think Barack Obama is the worst president in our nation’s history. Will you confirm that, Bri, ol’ pal?

(Laughter) That, along with canceling you, is something I’d never do. But we can talk about that another time, and that’s my point, Mr. Forrester. You’ve got plenty of time. Your show will continue for as long as you want it to.

Now, Brian, I know snakes don’t wear shoes. But why am I waiting for the other one to drop?

Well, I wouldn’t presume to analyze your motives, nor would I want to. But if you’ll give me a minute, I’ll elaborate.

You own the network, Brian, elaborate away. But let me tell you something, buddy, you don’t own me, and you never will. I’m the one whose hand is on the switch. And if I don’t like what you’re saying, you’re toast. Got it?

You’re the toastmaster. But as you’ll see, it won’t matter. I’m calling today to tell you and your listeners that your free speech is now worth quite a lot. Let me explain how:

 My personal net worth, according to conservative estimates, which I know are your favorites, is $60 billion. It so happens that’s 59.9 billion more than I’ll ever need for my family and me to live well and be financially secure.

 So I’m going to donate that 59.9 billion to various organizations. Which ones will be determined by you and your listeners.

Starting with this show, every word that is said on the air will be worth $1,000. For example, your producer’s intro and the opening monologue came to 365 words. That’s $365,000 that, since your topic was the liberal media, will go to Pacifica Radio.

Whoa there! Now you just hold on one ding-dong minute! Where do you get off trying to control the airwaves?

I’m controlling nothing but my own money. And since I’m informed that your last statement was 20 words long, that’s $20,000 more to Pacifica Radio. Now please let me go on. My words, unlike yours, generate no money at all.

For your first caller, who was talking about climate change, we will donate $183,000 to the Sierra Club. Your second caller, who was concerned about gun control, made possible a donation of $338,000 to the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. And that nice teenage girl from Virginia is to be thanked for the $173,000 that will go to the American Civil Liberties Union.

These are just some of the many organizations that you and your listeners will be helping. Now, you may think you can quit my network and take your show to another one, and I’ll be glad to release you from your contract. But as long as you broadcast, no matter on what network, you will be doing the same thing.

This will be true for other radio hosts as well. We’ll be launching a national campaign, telling people how much we welcome their calls to any right-wing talk show. They won’t be aware of which ones we’ll be monitoring, but they’ll always know their calls will have a chance of contributing to progressive causes.

So, I guess that’s it, Mr. Forrester, and I want to thank you for this opportunity. You can go ahead and cut me off now if you’d like to.

(Ten seconds)

Mr. Forrester…Mr. Forrester?

(Ten more seconds)

Well then, good-bye. And, oh yes, God Bless America.

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